Big breast, small choices.

Bra shopping
 I had been looking forward to getting new bras for weeks. So I headed to change armed with my $15 off coupon I got on their Facebook page.

As I walked into the store I got giddy at all the pretty sexy colorful bras on the walls, that was until I got fitted.
38K!
Now my selections was 3 models in 3 colours and no balconette bras, I need some balconettes bras for my spagetti strap dresses, agh!
I could feel the frustration mounting, the same kind  I had once felt trying to find cute clothes as a plus size gal until I discovered modcloth, eshakti, eloquii, city chic or other online stores.
I had to pick from what I could get as opposed to what I liked.
I ended up getting a cute full coverage baby blue bra, a black regular bra and a horrendous sports bra.
We decided to go to addition elle to see if they could save the day, long story short, their bras go up to H, I am an ''I'' in their measurments.  GAH!
We drive home, at this point I am on the verge of tears, I feel like some sort of big breasted freak, I should just be happy they made some bra in my size.
I posted my frustration on facebook, a lot of women feeling the same frustration. But some suggesting breast reduction.
Thing is I love my boobs, yes they hurt my back and I could probably crush fruit with them, but I think they look good on my body.
I just wish, the fashion industry would cater to me too. Whoa there lady!
You want them to cater to your being fat and have massive tits?
YES!
Needless to say, I was feeling pretty freakish when I showed up at a friends event, sitting at a table waiting for the show to start I starting going down a black hole of self doubt and body issues. I had to close my eyes and imagine a huge sign over my head, I pictured myself typing: I am sexy, beautiful and confident. I pictured that sign over my head.

The show started

I got pulled up on stage

When I got off a girl came up to me, she said: Can I just tell you something?
She said: I think you look amazing and have a great style.
I was in shock, I thanked her.
But she will never know how much her comment made my night.

Merci.

New shoes, new dress & an old bag.

After an Unbelievably crazy last two weeks of work and  shitty Friday, I was looking forward to spending sometime with my husband, step son and dogs. Toutounes Atomiques was having a clothing sale so I was excited to got there after making a dog cake delivery for Fido Confections.

I was very excited to do the blog this week as I had received two new thing for my closet.
This blue and white City Chic dress that I got on sale for $20 and a pair of Miss L fire shoes from Modcloth.

What can I say about this dress, it fits perfectly, the material is heavy soft cotton and the straps are wide. I felt amazing in it and got a lot of compliments at the event.

The shoes! I LOVEEEE these shoes, I fell for them hard when I saw them on modcloth's website. But they are pricey, so when I got some cash for my birthday I decided to splurge and buy them. They are worth every penny.  Miss L fire makes them in different colours on their website. But Modcloth only has this one. They are comfy for a good 4 hours which is pretty good for a first time and they are clear plastic glitter.

I paired them with this 10 year old Lulu Guinness bag I bought on ebay and a pair of vintage glasses I bought in Brooklyn flea market.

It was a wonderful day, I had lots of fun, bought two second hand tops.
The day ended with this old bag, on the sofa with Eric and the dogs and  a few too many frozen margaritas and orange is the new black on netflix.

''The light was off but now it's on

Searching underground for a bit of sun
The sun is out, the day is new
And everyone is waiting, waiting on you.
You got tiiiiimmme! 

The person behind the camera.

 

While in New York I could not help to think of a show I am watching, the Mindy project.

It's about this woman who is looking for her forever guy. 

Towards the end of season 2 it ends with forever love?

I realized a lot of women are looking for that, and that despite my low self worth in the last couple of years (read lifetime) I had found it.

A little less than a year ago, I got married to a man I knew from high school. He was a rockabilly I was a punk/weird bass player chick. We did not date, in fact he dated my best friend, for a week, he then became the man who dumped her, fucker!  

Fast forward 20 something years and we meet again, he is intelligent & funny, he thinks I am wonderful, we fall hard for each other.

We went through a lot to be together. We have grown closer every day. He supports everything I do, encourages me, picks me up when I am down, makes me laugh when I am sad, is my reasoning when I doubt myself.

He is handsome, talented and has a killer body.

He is the man behind the camera, the man I look forward to growing old with, my love Eric.

Aging gracefully your own way

So On May 29th, I turned 45.

I have never been the type of person to lie or hide my age, maybe because my mother always went on and on about how great being in your 40ies is.
We decided to go to this garage sale at  the Atomic cafe and do photos for the blog at the same time, so we headed to HoMa on a now predictably cold Montreal summer day. But hey got to wear my cape!

Even though it's wool and was custom made, it was still a little chilli, but we did not let that stop us from enjoying my birthday Day.
I must say I was feeling pretty good about myself, I'm at a point in my life where I feel I found my style.

It's funny because people envy youth, but I don't. Sure I'd love to have the tits of a 20 year old, but jezzzz, I would hate to be 20 again.
Even 30 was horrible, you spend your time stressing about where you think you should be in life, what you should be wearing.

I spent the first couple of years in my 40ies figuring a balance between, what I want to wear and how to make it work for my age and body type.
Like a couple of years ago this dress was wayyy to short for what I thought a woman of my age should wear, now I think fuck it, I run everyday, My legs are strong, I feel good about em, this is a cute dress, I'm wearing it!

Here  am flashing my husband in a laundry mat.

So speaking of the dress, this is a Modcloth Bea & dot What'll it beetle dress, it's a little snug but it make me feel great. I love the puff sleeves and collar.

It always takes people a second to make out the print.










My Boots are also from modcloth I got them on sale this winter, they are quite comfy. The bag I got at a garage sale.

So I got a lot of stares, I guess you always do when you dress differently, but I got a lot of smiles too, from older women.

It's like they where saying welcome to the ''I don't give a fuck club'' you rock it girl.

So my point is, do what you want to do in fashion, wear what you want to wear, YOU decide if you can pull it off. Don't let your fear of what you think other people might think (judge you) dictate which  category/age group/ size you fall in.

You know who else says so?
 3d winking Jesus, ya! he was our garage day find.












Photos by Eric Bergeron

Ferrys, dresses and New York

So I just got back from a trip to New York with my husband and step son, we had a blast even though some things went wrong.

The day started with us realizing the driver's mirror had been ripped/smashed off the car. We took a deep sigh and decided to go to the Fred Perry surplus, which should not be called an surplus. 10$ off is not a sale or a worthwhile discount, shame on you Fred Perry!

Then decided to walk the williamsburg bridge it was nice, I felt comfortable in my Eshakti hula girl dress I bought from a plus size facebook group. The bust is a little revealing so I paired it with a sweater and fake teeth pin I made.

The bag you may recognize from last week post, the shoes are not so pretty comfy flats for days of walking around. I bought them at ardene.

My hair skulls I got from Trash and vaudeville, I love em. As an old /x punk I have been visiting this place since the mid 80's. We bought these while visiting the east side the day before.

We then thought the boy should see the statue of liberty as it is his first time in NY, so we took the Ferry.

This is me on the Staten island ferry looking unimpressed at the screaming 4 years old in the quiet area.
Looking back, we had fun and made the best out of bad situations.

Like getting locked out of our Airbnb because the host left without giving us a key. What did we do?

 We watched funny videos, told dirty jokes and drank vodka/7up  from a plastic bottle.

Because videos of cat getting brain freeze is so much funnier when you've had a couple.

And all that matters is that you are with the ones you love out of the rain and under a roof.

Junk sales and cotton dresses

After last weeks post I spent some time trying to get out of my funk.
 I finally did, but this week's OOTD photo shoot was hard for me to look at, but I will not dwell on that right now.
 I am trying to put a stop to my criticizing of myself, and that is part of what this whole project is about.

Besides, it's  the most wonderful  time of the year, garage sale season.
So we set off sat morning to St-Anne de Bellvue, we got halfway down the street and bought 8 vintage glasses and a tie rack so wonderfully tacky it make my husband giddy. But enough about that.

I am wearing a dress I bought on Eshakti, I hear a lot of trash talk about their bad fitting dresses but so far I have been super happy with everything I got.
This dress is cotton, so super comfy for summer and has those little bra straps restrainers so you don't spend all your time controlling those little fuckers. It's navy blue and makes me feel pretty.

It also has pockets, so that's always a plus. You can choose to remove them but who would do that? I cannot think of any woman that would not want pockets on a dress. You can keep change for buying other people's shit or put garage sale maps you cannot follow. Ok, ya back to clothes!

My Shoes are from Iron fist I bought them on sale on Modcloth, they have weird goldfish mutant fish on them and bows, because bows rule.

My bag, is a garage sale find, not in a garage sale. It's a vintage wicker basket bag I picked up in a goodwill type place for $5. I love it. My husband proudly found it for me.

Even though our day of yard scavenging was not what we hoped for, we got lost and angry at all the kid's junk people had to sell, In the end all that mattered is that we spent time together as we like to.

Ya, I look at my pictures and see a lot of cringe worthy stuff I don't like about myself but like our day stuff does not always go as we want, we don't look as we want, but you can't just stop yourself. Put away that map in your fabulous dress pocket and wing it. Photos by Eric Bergeron

fake it untill you feel it.

Last couple of week have been hard for me, my body & age issues have come to the surface a lot, I have no idea if they coincide with the fact my runs have been so bad or finding out I am losing my job at the end of the summer.
In short I have felt not very attractive or sexy for a while now. But since this blog is manly for my own personal growth I have decided to share when thing are not so great as well.
Don't get me wrong I love being in my forties, but sometimes I feel like ''who am I kidding with this pink hair?'' and this becomes more apparent as I start looking for work. I have gotten to a point where I feel I am too old to compromise when it comes to things I feel strongly about, like working weekends, I won't.
 I cherish this time with my husband, dogs and family, it's my reason for being.without it I have no quality of life.
I am not looking for a career, I have my dog bakery business, I am looking for steady, interesting 9-5 part-time work. Sounds easy?
Funny, not a lot of people want to employ a tattooed 40 years old with 20 years experience.

But enough about my job search, what the hell is wrong with me?
I have an amazing husband, stepson, mom. My dogs are healthy, so is my family. I live surrounded by the things and people I love, so why can't I feel good about myself? I am the healthiest I have ever been, the most mentally stable.
I have no idea, but for now, I will slap on some make up, throw on some clothes and put one foot in front of the other.
I will fake till I feel it.