The beauty of "Lâcher prise"

Okay I have not blogged in MONTHS, I have been going through the process of finding out what is wrong with my health.

Well it turns out I am not going crazy, I just have Fibromyalgia.

This is no surprise to me as all the women on my mother's side have it.What did surprise me is how drastically it has changed my life.

Overnight ( well in the last 6 months) I went from running 2.3 km a day to not being able to walk a block. Losing partial motor functions in my hands.
I went through weeks of crying, being depressed, wondering if I was going to be tired/depressed/in pain for the rest of my life.
I felt like a burden to my family. I felt I was alone and no one could understand my pain and exhaustion.

I fought it, became angry and finally now accepting the new "reality" without  feeling like I am simply giving up.
I am learning my limitations, someways I feel good, I dress up, put on makeup.
Other days, I need help dressing myself and walk around in a daze.
I had to get use to asking for help and forgiving myself  when I cannot do "what I feel I need to do". Not being ashamed of not being "polished" in front of people, not fearing my husband would leave me or lose my job.

Lâcher prise in French. Which roughly translates to let control go.
That in itself has been terrifying and uncomfortable but I have no choice.
BUT... it's also liberating.

The world has not come to an end because laundry (or all the things on my to do list) is not all done.
So this is my new "normal".
Somedays are bad and somedays are good.
And on the bad days, there is Netflix with the hubby and dogs and cocktails, many cocktails...
...and that is not all that bad is it?

Hat by Ophelie hats photo by Eric Bergeron

I love this picture!

Why do I love this picture so much?

Well I have been going though some health related stuff, and it left me scared, feeling super low on energy and unsexy and unattractive.
As you may know I struggle with myself, my body. The times I do feel good or sexy, I take (or ask my husband) pictures of me, usually when I see the pictures, it's a process of accepting what I look like, that I don't look as good I as thought I did. it's difficult because it's  a confirmation of how bad I think I look on my bad days.
My inner voice saying:"You see, look how (fat, ugly, silly) you look!
But This picture, well this is different.
First off this awesome stop staring dress I am wearing. I got it at  Boutique Monroe on our wonderful date night with my husband. He bought it for me, and we went for cocktail and dinner with friends and it was amazing. A perfect evening. So when I wear it, it reminds me of that and him.

This picture represents what I think I look like on a good day, how I felt that day still glowing from the previous evening.
Happy to have what I do.

This picture serves as a reminder when I hate myself, or feel weak, that that is not the only me. That deep (or not so deep) inside of me THIS resides.

This picture is me, the real me.




Photo by Eric bergeron