My lightbulb moment on my way to Toronto

Me and my hubby set off Friday to go see friends in T.O.
 On highway 40 we came across a truck with live pigs on the way to slaughter, as we drove along this truck one of the pigs stuck his nose though the little window/air vent and looked straight at me, we made eye contact, it looked at me with an innocence that made me break down and cry.
I said to myself I don't want you to die for me.

I was a vegetarian in the past, for 10 years actually.  But Greece back in the 80's was a hard place to be a vegetarian.
 Things got better, but by  then I had managed to convince myself not to think of the animals.

I would get disgusted with meat sometimes, but block it out.
In the last couple of years, me and my husband have been toying with the idea, he often finds the idea of meat disgusting too, but hey it makes for easy meal planning.

Recently, for health reasons we have had to  change our diet drastically, so after talking about it, we have decided to cut all meat except chicken, fish  and  eggs.

Now it know, chickens, eggs and fish are not quite vegetarian, but this is a transitional period for us.
I have a soy intolerance that make being a vegetarian tricky.

So for now, we are semi vegetarians. 

It will be very interesting to see how our body changes with this new dietary change. I am sure there will be tweaking to do, but I am excited to see all the new yummy foods we can make.
And I love a challenge.
RIP piggy, you did not die in vain.

Something lost and something found

 We decided last Saturday to go to Hudson, we had not been in over a year and wanted to see our little lake we pic nick by and the antique store we often buy little things from.  I was feeling pretty good after being included in an article on buzzfeed.
My killer glasses and matching spiked Michel Kors gloves I bought in Atlanta  added to this.
I had been feeling pretty poopy as of lately and this article made me feel special. The author had said to my husband who he was sending pictures to that I was beautiful.

 I remember saying: That's funny! to which my husband said: why?
I thought to myself, oh shit, why indeed? why do I find it funny that someone should think I'm beautiful.
Is it the years of abusive relationships? Me being fat? The fact I've felt weird/ugly/stupid for most of my life (apart from a brief time in my 20's).

And then I said, no I am passed all this. I am okay with myself  in my 40's, I feel good 60% of the time, which is HUGE for me.

Then this Saturday, as me and Eric walked to a record store and a cute young 20 year old man smiled at me, and I-felt -crazy uncomfortable.
Why is he smiling ? What's wrong with me?    Indeed, what  THE-Fuck-is wrong with me? 

All this work  into self acceptance, and someone looks at me and BAM!
I wish I could say I have a plan on how to stop it, I don't. I just try and be conscious of when I do it. It help that I have a great support team.
So to get back to my story, we arrive in Hudson and the lake, and it's  gone. It seems the dam broke, and the city is broke, so the water emptied and the lake is gone. We stuck to our plan and took some shots next to the ''Lake'' .
I am wearing a vintage wool coat and beret.
Top was bought at value village, skirt by Dorothy Perkins.
Stocking from Addition elle, boots are from Modcloth.
Bag is vintage.

When we got to the village we found out the antique store is being bulldozed to make condos.
Sad.
We had a wonderful day even if things we loved are gone. We found a new lake and walked in the forest.
So maybe that's my plan, acknowledge the sadness, then find a new lake or a $40 vintage 70's coat! woot!

Photos by Eric.Bergeron                          

What a wonderfully dreadful day for a picnic

I realize it's been way too long since I posted, alas crazy work hours and running a side doggy bakery business can take it's toll.
I needed some me recoup time. Yay me!
I say this because I used to run myself into the ground or the hospital. I have learned to spot the signs and now I stop before it gets to that point.
Anyhow!
Saturday was the wiener dog races, this year it was more of a picnic. I was very excited to get to see my dogs that live with my x. I picked my clothes out in function of this cute retro lunchbox my hubby bought me a while back.

The problem is it was pissing rain, oh and I broke my toe making lemon meringue pie!
Sooo my plan to wear cute shoes was out the window.
So what's a gal to do?
Grab your sword umbrella, to ward off picnicking ninjas of course!

 Fuck you ninja get your own granola bars...
So here is the outfit I picked for the pic nic.
A Torrid retro chic skull and dice dress I bought from a plus size exchange group, it's cute and is very forgiving to my swollen nacho filled belly.

I paired it with a simple cardigan.

As you can see, my ugly flip flop wearing feet are not shown. Imagine I am wearing something fabulous.

The races were fun but wet. One of my dogs had a great time the other was a drooling mess of a dog, her slobber picking up random objects as she walked.

She was a sad sight, like her mama's swollen toe. Squeaky toy for her, tall vodka slushy for me.

Photos again by my amazing hubby.

Fat girl walking

So it bloody hot in Montreal right now, My husband , step son and I decided to go to a public pool to cool off.
 I thought: I got this, I have been to a public pool before, friends pools, no problem.
I put on my long  skull peasant shirt over my bathing suit, big old black sunhat and flip flops and we were off.
It's quite a way so we took the car, we had to park 3 blocks from the pool.
Let me tell you I was not prepared to walk 3 city blocks in this outfit, I was very self conscious using my huge beach bag to hide my lack of pants or skirt. I expected cat calls from passing cars, there were none just the ones in my head.
We finally got to the pool and went in, found a spot and went right for the water, it was nice and cool.
It was then, as I looked around that I made the discovery.
I WAS THE FATTEST WOMAN THERE!

 I panicked, then saw another fat woman, just to discover she was just pregnant.*sigh*
I must have been pretty quiet because my husband swam over and asked me if I was okay, I explain what I was seeing/feeling.
He asked me if I wanted to go, I told him no.
I told him that I was not going to let this stop me, or ruin it.
We stayed for an hour or so, and it was lovely.
Was I the fattest? YES, so? who cares!
Besides, my tits look freaking amazing in the water!

Plus size fashion rules

Now this is not a new subject in the plus size community, but this blog is not only about plus size fashion but also about my road to self acceptance, so here it goes.

I have been toying with the idea of cutting my hair for a while now, like 6 months.
I talked to my hairdresser about getting a bob and whether it will suit me or not, I've had bobs in the past but I was thinner, wayyyy thinner.

He said  that a bob would make my face look rounder.
This is the rule, take a round face add a face framing round haircut and it will look rounder. Dam!
I really wanted a change!
Then I saw Amelia Hart doing it on Instagram, and then Catsuewho and holy molly, they looked fantastic!
So I thought Fuck it, if it looks bad it will grow, I want this haircut, I want a change, fuck the rules, I am doing this.
And I did!
And it looks amazing.

                           

FI

I Felt like a million bucks, These picture are taken in the parking lot of the hairdressers. I am wearing another Eshakti dress, dress fits super well, but the belts suck ass, they don't stay in place, this one is safety pinned closed. 

 

My bag, is vintage, it belonged to my Grandmother, it holds next to nothing but I love it.

 The Pin is also vintage, given to me by this crazy old woman my mother had as a lodger at one point.

 My shoes are Value Village find, they are BCBG and they are definitely ''party shoes'' as in go to party and sit and drink till you do not feel how uncomfortable they are. But super cute, non?

Oh and my hairdresser? Mathieu smiled the whole time he was doing it, encouraging me, saying this is going to be awesome.

So the point is if you want to take a fashion risk, do it, maybe it turns out bad, maybe it doesn't. But if you want to evolve, you gotta take a chance or else you will never know. Like this... 

...Oh ya, THIS! that's me with a taxidermy fox head clip I saved from ending up in the trash, it's freaky good, like me, and absolutely breaks every rule in the book.  It think I will call him George.....

Picture by Eric

Part 2 I love my big breasts!

 I was pretty discouraged bra shopping last week, so I was very optimistic when I came across a store in NDG called DeBra. I booked an appointment via their email.
Right away I was impressed by how fast they responded, I was expected the next weekend at 2.

I walked into the store and was blown away by the selection, they explained how they where going to do the fitting and I proceeded to try on bras. A Lot of them.


We tried different style styles and cuts, but what I was really looking for was the elusive "sexy balconette bra".
At one point things were jabbing in me, and I thought I would never find the right bra. I started spiraling again in defeat.
Debbie the amazing owner, said don't apologize, we just have not found the right bra for you yet.

Then we tried on the Curvy Kate, I fell in love. No jabbing, cute, supportive, made me feel sexy and BALCONETTE!






 The mystical unicorn bra!



I left there feeling awesome, Eric took some pictures of me in my Eshakti dress, and I felt amazing.

I could see the difference the bra was making in the silhouette of the dress.

This dress is cotton, so super comfy on those hot days, only down side is the snap at the bust that keeps the crossover neckline in place, keeps popping open, so it's the trusty safety pin to the rescue. 


I wanted to punk up the outfit a bit so I opted for this Iron fist clutch that was similar colour to my pearls.

So In the end I conquered my bra demon, Curvy Kate take my money!

A huge thank you to the staff of DeBra and my wonderful husband for the photos and patience.

Big breast, small choices.

Bra shopping
 I had been looking forward to getting new bras for weeks. So I headed to change armed with my $15 off coupon I got on their Facebook page.

As I walked into the store I got giddy at all the pretty sexy colorful bras on the walls, that was until I got fitted.
38K!
Now my selections was 3 models in 3 colours and no balconette bras, I need some balconettes bras for my spagetti strap dresses, agh!
I could feel the frustration mounting, the same kind  I had once felt trying to find cute clothes as a plus size gal until I discovered modcloth, eshakti, eloquii, city chic or other online stores.
I had to pick from what I could get as opposed to what I liked.
I ended up getting a cute full coverage baby blue bra, a black regular bra and a horrendous sports bra.
We decided to go to addition elle to see if they could save the day, long story short, their bras go up to H, I am an ''I'' in their measurments.  GAH!
We drive home, at this point I am on the verge of tears, I feel like some sort of big breasted freak, I should just be happy they made some bra in my size.
I posted my frustration on facebook, a lot of women feeling the same frustration. But some suggesting breast reduction.
Thing is I love my boobs, yes they hurt my back and I could probably crush fruit with them, but I think they look good on my body.
I just wish, the fashion industry would cater to me too. Whoa there lady!
You want them to cater to your being fat and have massive tits?
YES!
Needless to say, I was feeling pretty freakish when I showed up at a friends event, sitting at a table waiting for the show to start I starting going down a black hole of self doubt and body issues. I had to close my eyes and imagine a huge sign over my head, I pictured myself typing: I am sexy, beautiful and confident. I pictured that sign over my head.

The show started

I got pulled up on stage

When I got off a girl came up to me, she said: Can I just tell you something?
She said: I think you look amazing and have a great style.
I was in shock, I thanked her.
But she will never know how much her comment made my night.

Merci.

New shoes, new dress & an old bag.

After an Unbelievably crazy last two weeks of work and  shitty Friday, I was looking forward to spending sometime with my husband, step son and dogs. Toutounes Atomiques was having a clothing sale so I was excited to got there after making a dog cake delivery for Fido Confections.

I was very excited to do the blog this week as I had received two new thing for my closet.
This blue and white City Chic dress that I got on sale for $20 and a pair of Miss L fire shoes from Modcloth.

What can I say about this dress, it fits perfectly, the material is heavy soft cotton and the straps are wide. I felt amazing in it and got a lot of compliments at the event.

The shoes! I LOVEEEE these shoes, I fell for them hard when I saw them on modcloth's website. But they are pricey, so when I got some cash for my birthday I decided to splurge and buy them. They are worth every penny.  Miss L fire makes them in different colours on their website. But Modcloth only has this one. They are comfy for a good 4 hours which is pretty good for a first time and they are clear plastic glitter.

I paired them with this 10 year old Lulu Guinness bag I bought on ebay and a pair of vintage glasses I bought in Brooklyn flea market.

It was a wonderful day, I had lots of fun, bought two second hand tops.
The day ended with this old bag, on the sofa with Eric and the dogs and  a few too many frozen margaritas and orange is the new black on netflix.

''The light was off but now it's on

Searching underground for a bit of sun
The sun is out, the day is new
And everyone is waiting, waiting on you.
You got tiiiiimmme! 

The person behind the camera.

 

While in New York I could not help to think of a show I am watching, the Mindy project.

It's about this woman who is looking for her forever guy. 

Towards the end of season 2 it ends with forever love?

I realized a lot of women are looking for that, and that despite my low self worth in the last couple of years (read lifetime) I had found it.

A little less than a year ago, I got married to a man I knew from high school. He was a rockabilly I was a punk/weird bass player chick. We did not date, in fact he dated my best friend, for a week, he then became the man who dumped her, fucker!  

Fast forward 20 something years and we meet again, he is intelligent & funny, he thinks I am wonderful, we fall hard for each other.

We went through a lot to be together. We have grown closer every day. He supports everything I do, encourages me, picks me up when I am down, makes me laugh when I am sad, is my reasoning when I doubt myself.

He is handsome, talented and has a killer body.

He is the man behind the camera, the man I look forward to growing old with, my love Eric.

Aging gracefully your own way

So On May 29th, I turned 45.

I have never been the type of person to lie or hide my age, maybe because my mother always went on and on about how great being in your 40ies is.
We decided to go to this garage sale at  the Atomic cafe and do photos for the blog at the same time, so we headed to HoMa on a now predictably cold Montreal summer day. But hey got to wear my cape!

Even though it's wool and was custom made, it was still a little chilli, but we did not let that stop us from enjoying my birthday Day.
I must say I was feeling pretty good about myself, I'm at a point in my life where I feel I found my style.

It's funny because people envy youth, but I don't. Sure I'd love to have the tits of a 20 year old, but jezzzz, I would hate to be 20 again.
Even 30 was horrible, you spend your time stressing about where you think you should be in life, what you should be wearing.

I spent the first couple of years in my 40ies figuring a balance between, what I want to wear and how to make it work for my age and body type.
Like a couple of years ago this dress was wayyy to short for what I thought a woman of my age should wear, now I think fuck it, I run everyday, My legs are strong, I feel good about em, this is a cute dress, I'm wearing it!

Here  am flashing my husband in a laundry mat.

So speaking of the dress, this is a Modcloth Bea & dot What'll it beetle dress, it's a little snug but it make me feel great. I love the puff sleeves and collar.

It always takes people a second to make out the print.










My Boots are also from modcloth I got them on sale this winter, they are quite comfy. The bag I got at a garage sale.

So I got a lot of stares, I guess you always do when you dress differently, but I got a lot of smiles too, from older women.

It's like they where saying welcome to the ''I don't give a fuck club'' you rock it girl.

So my point is, do what you want to do in fashion, wear what you want to wear, YOU decide if you can pull it off. Don't let your fear of what you think other people might think (judge you) dictate which  category/age group/ size you fall in.

You know who else says so?
 3d winking Jesus, ya! he was our garage day find.












Photos by Eric Bergeron

Ferrys, dresses and New York

So I just got back from a trip to New York with my husband and step son, we had a blast even though some things went wrong.

The day started with us realizing the driver's mirror had been ripped/smashed off the car. We took a deep sigh and decided to go to the Fred Perry surplus, which should not be called an surplus. 10$ off is not a sale or a worthwhile discount, shame on you Fred Perry!

Then decided to walk the williamsburg bridge it was nice, I felt comfortable in my Eshakti hula girl dress I bought from a plus size facebook group. The bust is a little revealing so I paired it with a sweater and fake teeth pin I made.

The bag you may recognize from last week post, the shoes are not so pretty comfy flats for days of walking around. I bought them at ardene.

My hair skulls I got from Trash and vaudeville, I love em. As an old /x punk I have been visiting this place since the mid 80's. We bought these while visiting the east side the day before.

We then thought the boy should see the statue of liberty as it is his first time in NY, so we took the Ferry.

This is me on the Staten island ferry looking unimpressed at the screaming 4 years old in the quiet area.
Looking back, we had fun and made the best out of bad situations.

Like getting locked out of our Airbnb because the host left without giving us a key. What did we do?

 We watched funny videos, told dirty jokes and drank vodka/7up  from a plastic bottle.

Because videos of cat getting brain freeze is so much funnier when you've had a couple.

And all that matters is that you are with the ones you love out of the rain and under a roof.

Junk sales and cotton dresses

After last weeks post I spent some time trying to get out of my funk.
 I finally did, but this week's OOTD photo shoot was hard for me to look at, but I will not dwell on that right now.
 I am trying to put a stop to my criticizing of myself, and that is part of what this whole project is about.

Besides, it's  the most wonderful  time of the year, garage sale season.
So we set off sat morning to St-Anne de Bellvue, we got halfway down the street and bought 8 vintage glasses and a tie rack so wonderfully tacky it make my husband giddy. But enough about that.

I am wearing a dress I bought on Eshakti, I hear a lot of trash talk about their bad fitting dresses but so far I have been super happy with everything I got.
This dress is cotton, so super comfy for summer and has those little bra straps restrainers so you don't spend all your time controlling those little fuckers. It's navy blue and makes me feel pretty.

It also has pockets, so that's always a plus. You can choose to remove them but who would do that? I cannot think of any woman that would not want pockets on a dress. You can keep change for buying other people's shit or put garage sale maps you cannot follow. Ok, ya back to clothes!

My Shoes are from Iron fist I bought them on sale on Modcloth, they have weird goldfish mutant fish on them and bows, because bows rule.

My bag, is a garage sale find, not in a garage sale. It's a vintage wicker basket bag I picked up in a goodwill type place for $5. I love it. My husband proudly found it for me.

Even though our day of yard scavenging was not what we hoped for, we got lost and angry at all the kid's junk people had to sell, In the end all that mattered is that we spent time together as we like to.

Ya, I look at my pictures and see a lot of cringe worthy stuff I don't like about myself but like our day stuff does not always go as we want, we don't look as we want, but you can't just stop yourself. Put away that map in your fabulous dress pocket and wing it. Photos by Eric Bergeron